I'm good at certain things, things a lot of people expect for free from "friends" or generally caring individuals and it gets me taken advantage of a lot. Generally speaking, people don't want to pay me for doing those sorts of things even where it clearly materially benefits them -- improved health, as just one example (and rest assured, they pay their doctor) -- and they want to "give back in kind" instead.
One of the problems with that is few people have anything of value to give me in that regard. Most people aren't as competent as I am in those areas, so when they want to "give back" they seem to THINK something like "She made me FEEL GOOD, so I will do that for her" and it boils down to empty attempts at emotionally manipulating me into feeling better about something that's a real problem and not me having an attitude problem or some such.
Yeah, that's NOT what I did FOR YOU, fool, and it's not helping me. In fact, it's just another aggravation to deal with while I'm having a crisis.
I know someone "like me" in that regard -- my mother -- and my mother has a history of ending longstanding relationships during stressful times in her life and NEVER SPEAKING TO THEM AGAIN. When I was younger, I felt like "Mom Has Issues."
Well, yeah, she does. She grew up in Germany during World War II and its aftermath, so she can be difficult about some things, but time and experience have given me a different perspective here on this quirk of hers.
I think she does a LOT for everyone around her and when she's having a crisis and other people just keep taking like they always have, it becomes clear that "If they can't actually give back under THESE circumstances and just basically VICTIMIZE me when I am in need, they are NEVER going to give back and all the years I have believed that they just needed more than me, that was a con job on their part. They are just selfish, abusive people and giving back is not something they do -- or at least not something they will ever do FOR ME -- full stop."
I eventually concluded this in part because not all those relationships ended. She once temporarily sent someone away, in effect.
For some years, my brother had a place of his own but usually only spent weekends there and lived with our parents during the week because it was a shorter commute, so less money needed for gas and more sleep Monday through Friday. And when my mom or maybe my dad was having some kind of health crisis, Mom got fed up with my brother and told him "Go stay at YOUR PLACE" and he did for a few weeks or months and eventually returned to living with Mom five days a week.
My mom's mom was from a low level noble family that sold the title when they fell on hard times financially. When she gets fed up, she has a certain regal-sounding tone and you just best take her "no" at that point as the final fucking answer and not argue it because that is her final fucking answer and all rebuttal after that is you digging your grave deeper.
Some people are too stupid to figure that out and then they learn the hard way that the gravy train of goodness they took for granted can end and when it does end there is NO HOPE of getting it back. They just think her being kind, compassionate, tolerant, etc is her being "a chump" and they think they can victimize her endlessly, she's stupid and will fall for it.
Nope. That's not what's going on.
She has her reasons for the things she does for other people and you not understanding her reasons and where she draws certain boundaries and why is YOU being stupid, not her.
Life is better for people who are fortunate to stay in my mother's good graces. Everyone who knows her knows that, just some folks learn the hard way that there is a condition of "remain in my good graces" and this is not some "Good Christian"/I just am a hardcore masochist who likes martyring myself thing.
Some things that can arise out of having social connections IF everyone meets some baseline standard of behavior and is not just a selfish rat bastard taking advantage of others:
Long before money was invented, people relied on social contracts to trade labor, aka "I scratch your back, you scratch mine." If someone "scratches your back" and you treat them like a chump giving away stuff for free or like your bitch -- someone who owes you service perpetually for making the mistake of doing something for you once -- you are part of the problem.
If you are doing that and also find your life doesn't really work, those two things just might be related. People you THINK you are taking advantage of may well be remembering your chronically shitty behavior and just NOT INVITING you to future events, NOT offering more small favors, etc. because they know you will NOT honor the implied social contract.
One of the problems with that is few people have anything of value to give me in that regard. Most people aren't as competent as I am in those areas, so when they want to "give back" they seem to THINK something like "She made me FEEL GOOD, so I will do that for her" and it boils down to empty attempts at emotionally manipulating me into feeling better about something that's a real problem and not me having an attitude problem or some such.
Yeah, that's NOT what I did FOR YOU, fool, and it's not helping me. In fact, it's just another aggravation to deal with while I'm having a crisis.
I know someone "like me" in that regard -- my mother -- and my mother has a history of ending longstanding relationships during stressful times in her life and NEVER SPEAKING TO THEM AGAIN. When I was younger, I felt like "Mom Has Issues."
Well, yeah, she does. She grew up in Germany during World War II and its aftermath, so she can be difficult about some things, but time and experience have given me a different perspective here on this quirk of hers.
I think she does a LOT for everyone around her and when she's having a crisis and other people just keep taking like they always have, it becomes clear that "If they can't actually give back under THESE circumstances and just basically VICTIMIZE me when I am in need, they are NEVER going to give back and all the years I have believed that they just needed more than me, that was a con job on their part. They are just selfish, abusive people and giving back is not something they do -- or at least not something they will ever do FOR ME -- full stop."
I eventually concluded this in part because not all those relationships ended. She once temporarily sent someone away, in effect.
For some years, my brother had a place of his own but usually only spent weekends there and lived with our parents during the week because it was a shorter commute, so less money needed for gas and more sleep Monday through Friday. And when my mom or maybe my dad was having some kind of health crisis, Mom got fed up with my brother and told him "Go stay at YOUR PLACE" and he did for a few weeks or months and eventually returned to living with Mom five days a week.
My mom's mom was from a low level noble family that sold the title when they fell on hard times financially. When she gets fed up, she has a certain regal-sounding tone and you just best take her "no" at that point as the final fucking answer and not argue it because that is her final fucking answer and all rebuttal after that is you digging your grave deeper.
Some people are too stupid to figure that out and then they learn the hard way that the gravy train of goodness they took for granted can end and when it does end there is NO HOPE of getting it back. They just think her being kind, compassionate, tolerant, etc is her being "a chump" and they think they can victimize her endlessly, she's stupid and will fall for it.
Nope. That's not what's going on.
She has her reasons for the things she does for other people and you not understanding her reasons and where she draws certain boundaries and why is YOU being stupid, not her.
Life is better for people who are fortunate to stay in my mother's good graces. Everyone who knows her knows that, just some folks learn the hard way that there is a condition of "remain in my good graces" and this is not some "Good Christian"/I just am a hardcore masochist who likes martyring myself thing.
Some things that can arise out of having social connections IF everyone meets some baseline standard of behavior and is not just a selfish rat bastard taking advantage of others:
- Safety in numbers.
- Trustworthy constructive feedback for your blindspots.
- Lots of little situations day-to-day where "1+1=3" (catching a ride with a friend, sharing a meal so two can eat as cheap as one).
Long before money was invented, people relied on social contracts to trade labor, aka "I scratch your back, you scratch mine." If someone "scratches your back" and you treat them like a chump giving away stuff for free or like your bitch -- someone who owes you service perpetually for making the mistake of doing something for you once -- you are part of the problem.
If you are doing that and also find your life doesn't really work, those two things just might be related. People you THINK you are taking advantage of may well be remembering your chronically shitty behavior and just NOT INVITING you to future events, NOT offering more small favors, etc. because they know you will NOT honor the implied social contract.