I can be really chatty and this sometimes gets me in hot water, especially with men of some cultures -- usually White Americans. Men of other cultures are much more likely to interpret me as sociable but not easy to get next to romantically, but White American men sometimes think I am throwing myself at them and when I feel insulted by this assumption, they seem to feel I run hot one minute and cold the next.
White American men also seem somewhat prone to trying to decide up front what kind of relationship this is. In the first five minutes of meeting me, they seem to want to decide if this is a sexual or a platonic relationship.
This has a track record for going bad places generally, not just with me. It's somewhat common for such men to decide on superficial qualities like looks whether or not they would hit that and having decided they wouldn't -- "because she's too fat" (or whatever) -- if she loses weight, starts dressing better, whatever and he then feels differently, it's often the case that he doesn't have a snowball's chance in HELL of getting a date with her because he's spent their entire relationship insulting her to her face.
Based on many years of contemplating what in the heck is going on there, as well as many other things, I have come to the following hypotheses:
Both The Glass Ceiling and homophobia have roots in a set of social expectations that dictate the rules of engagement for first contact. A lot of men seem to have been inculcated with the following "rules":
If you are an openly gay male, the rules break down. Now they have to wonder WHY you are speaking to them. Are you networking? Are you hitting on them? What is going on here?
If you are a woman trying to establish and pursue a career, the rules break down. You talk to men to try to network, they assume you are hitting on them. It's problematic. Now you need to find ways to aggressively signal "I would like to speak to you FOR BUSINESS PURPOSES. THIS IS PLATONIC, STUPID."
Not all men follow those rules but it's common enough that it's problematic if you are gay and/or a woman seeking to have any kind of life.
I think this is rooted in heteronormative cultural mental models that aren't actually true and have never been true but we use them as the foundation for a great deal of our social expectations. We implicitly assume the following things apply for determining a great many societal norms:
This was NOT then the MAJORITY of people in the US, but it WAS the MAJORITY of people buying homes right after the war. So all of our federal policies, financing mechanisms, etc were designed for The Nuclear Family, the housing that was built was designed for The Nuclear Family and jobs and benefits and etc were all designed for The Nuclear Family.
It worked well enough that we became a victim of our own success. New homes these days tend to be 1950s-style single-family detached suburban homes ON STEROIDS when that doesn't even meet our needs anymore in the most baseline fashion.
It's out of touch with reality. People are living longer, marrying later, having fewer children, etc and we have a lot more households with one to three members and a lot fewer with four or more members and, yet, we STILL build homes like we need room for at least four people AND those homes now assume you are basically upper class, not middle class, and can afford a bigger house, a bigger yard, more amenities, etc.
So we have this expectation that a career is something a MAN needs to have so he can pull the weight of an entire family and bear the weight of society on his shoulders etc, so it's expected to be a very large burden, one he CANNOT bear if he needs to cook and clean and attend to assorted other tasks in addition to his job.
It's also too much to cope with IF he has to wonder "What did he/she MEAN by that?" every single time someone he's just met SPEAKS to him. So there are these rules: If it's a MAN that spoke to you, it's PLATONIC. If it's a WOMAN that spoke to you, it's about SEX.
The men most thoroughly inculcated with these RULES are frequently men in positions of significant power. This means doors will simply NEVER open if you are gay or a woman.
If you are a woman, no matter WHAT you do, if you go talk to a powerful man, he may decide "She's HITTING on me!" and good luck straightening that out without offending him, thereby having the door slammed shut in your face. And if you are a gay male, they may just not want to talk to you AT ALL.
It's too uncomfortable. It's too complicated. It takes too much of their bandwidth.
How do we fix this? I don't know.
But I don't see anyone TALKING about this pattern. Instead, I see articles about how "Heterosexual men feel threatened by gay men" as if heterosexual men live in TERROR of being RAPED by a man.
I really, seriously doubt that cis het men in positions of power OBSESS about and live in TERROR of such ideas. I've seen no evidence to support such an inference.
Nonetheless, they react very negatively in many cases to the idea that a man might be gay and women continue to have an uphill battle in terms of trying to establish career equality.
And I think it's because on some deep, visceral level men just KNOW without being able to EXPLAIN it that "Hold up, if I have to wonder what the hell did he/she mean by that for EVERY SINGLE SOCIAL INTERACTION I HAVE, my life will come apart at the seams. I don't have that much mental and emotional capacity, that much social savvy, that much TIME in the day, that much ENERGY. I have a JOB to do and it's a HARD job and it wrings me out and I go home and have a beer and collapse in front of the TV because I have nothing more to give. I can't cope with this. NO."
White American men also seem somewhat prone to trying to decide up front what kind of relationship this is. In the first five minutes of meeting me, they seem to want to decide if this is a sexual or a platonic relationship.
This has a track record for going bad places generally, not just with me. It's somewhat common for such men to decide on superficial qualities like looks whether or not they would hit that and having decided they wouldn't -- "because she's too fat" (or whatever) -- if she loses weight, starts dressing better, whatever and he then feels differently, it's often the case that he doesn't have a snowball's chance in HELL of getting a date with her because he's spent their entire relationship insulting her to her face.
Based on many years of contemplating what in the heck is going on there, as well as many other things, I have come to the following hypotheses:
Both The Glass Ceiling and homophobia have roots in a set of social expectations that dictate the rules of engagement for first contact. A lot of men seem to have been inculcated with the following "rules":
- Men initiate contact with women. It's disturbing to a lot of men if I speak to them first.
- Women are sex objects in HIS eyes, so if she speaks to him first, she must be "throwing herself at him."
- Speaking to another man is ALWAYS platonic and for purposes of friendship, business networking or both.
If you are an openly gay male, the rules break down. Now they have to wonder WHY you are speaking to them. Are you networking? Are you hitting on them? What is going on here?
If you are a woman trying to establish and pursue a career, the rules break down. You talk to men to try to network, they assume you are hitting on them. It's problematic. Now you need to find ways to aggressively signal "I would like to speak to you FOR BUSINESS PURPOSES. THIS IS PLATONIC, STUPID."
Not all men follow those rules but it's common enough that it's problematic if you are gay and/or a woman seeking to have any kind of life.
I think this is rooted in heteronormative cultural mental models that aren't actually true and have never been true but we use them as the foundation for a great deal of our social expectations. We implicitly assume the following things apply for determining a great many societal norms:
- Serious career-type jobs -- the sort that would support a family in style -- are needed by men who will be the head of household. Women don't "need" that kind of income because some man is paying her bills.
- Children will be provided for by a man.
- Most men have a wife doing the cooking and cleaning and other women's work so he can focus on his job.
This was NOT then the MAJORITY of people in the US, but it WAS the MAJORITY of people buying homes right after the war. So all of our federal policies, financing mechanisms, etc were designed for The Nuclear Family, the housing that was built was designed for The Nuclear Family and jobs and benefits and etc were all designed for The Nuclear Family.
It worked well enough that we became a victim of our own success. New homes these days tend to be 1950s-style single-family detached suburban homes ON STEROIDS when that doesn't even meet our needs anymore in the most baseline fashion.
It's out of touch with reality. People are living longer, marrying later, having fewer children, etc and we have a lot more households with one to three members and a lot fewer with four or more members and, yet, we STILL build homes like we need room for at least four people AND those homes now assume you are basically upper class, not middle class, and can afford a bigger house, a bigger yard, more amenities, etc.
So we have this expectation that a career is something a MAN needs to have so he can pull the weight of an entire family and bear the weight of society on his shoulders etc, so it's expected to be a very large burden, one he CANNOT bear if he needs to cook and clean and attend to assorted other tasks in addition to his job.
It's also too much to cope with IF he has to wonder "What did he/she MEAN by that?" every single time someone he's just met SPEAKS to him. So there are these rules: If it's a MAN that spoke to you, it's PLATONIC. If it's a WOMAN that spoke to you, it's about SEX.
The men most thoroughly inculcated with these RULES are frequently men in positions of significant power. This means doors will simply NEVER open if you are gay or a woman.
If you are a woman, no matter WHAT you do, if you go talk to a powerful man, he may decide "She's HITTING on me!" and good luck straightening that out without offending him, thereby having the door slammed shut in your face. And if you are a gay male, they may just not want to talk to you AT ALL.
It's too uncomfortable. It's too complicated. It takes too much of their bandwidth.
How do we fix this? I don't know.
But I don't see anyone TALKING about this pattern. Instead, I see articles about how "Heterosexual men feel threatened by gay men" as if heterosexual men live in TERROR of being RAPED by a man.
I really, seriously doubt that cis het men in positions of power OBSESS about and live in TERROR of such ideas. I've seen no evidence to support such an inference.
Nonetheless, they react very negatively in many cases to the idea that a man might be gay and women continue to have an uphill battle in terms of trying to establish career equality.
And I think it's because on some deep, visceral level men just KNOW without being able to EXPLAIN it that "Hold up, if I have to wonder what the hell did he/she mean by that for EVERY SINGLE SOCIAL INTERACTION I HAVE, my life will come apart at the seams. I don't have that much mental and emotional capacity, that much social savvy, that much TIME in the day, that much ENERGY. I have a JOB to do and it's a HARD job and it wrings me out and I go home and have a beer and collapse in front of the TV because I have nothing more to give. I can't cope with this. NO."