When my oldest was in elementary school, I read a book about a study that examined the psychological relationship people have to time. And decided right then and there "I am not going to be that kind of mom." and promptly began making plans for my future.
The design of the study was as follows: They had people create a timeline of their life -- past, present and future -- and mark important events and dates on it.
A lot of women saw a future full of nothing but endings and those endings were mostly about other people, so nothing she had control over. Their future was, in essence, "My kids will graduate from school, move away and one by one everyone I know will DIE."
This profile was associated with depression.
In contrast, men tended to pair endings with new beginnings -- "I will retire - and finally buy that boat I have always wanted!" -- and were much less likely to be depressed. Their timeline was also filled more with things that were more under their control.
Women tend to frame their lives in terms of their relationships, mostly their personal relationships. They talk about being a mom. They talk about their marriage. Etc.
Men tend to talk much more about their work and hobbies. They are much less likely to define their own identity in terms of who their blood relatives are, who their spouse is, etc.
Empty Nest Syndrome is a product of our times. It grows out of the fact that we expect behaviors and habits from women that were necessary for survival when it was common for couples to have eight or twelve kids.
If you have ten kids and die in your fifties, your kids may not all be grown yet. If you have one or two kids and live until your seventies or eighties, you probably have a LOT of years left after they grow up and move out.
I was a full-time wife and mom for about two decades. I've certainly thought about the high price women pay for devoting themselves to their families for some portion of their lives.
We have created a situation where we expect too much devotion from women and some women feel they are entitled to be taken care of for life because of it.
I certainly can follow the logic train there, but it's a logic train-wreck. It is not a solution to this problem.
The solution to this problem is lighten the load on women. Stop expecting women to give up so much. Stop expecting meals to get fancier and fancier, homes to get bigger and bigger, etc.
Society needs to make room for children to be adequately cared for and come up with patterns that make it possible for women to still have a real career at some point, even if only after the kids move out.
I've written about how to do this before. This post is more about why we need to do it.
We need to do it in part because a woman who defines herself first and foremost as "wife and mom" can become a neurotic woman who "needs" her children to stick around and remain helpless babies so she has a purpose in life. This actively disincentivizes good parenting and actively discourages parents from even trying to raise future adults.
It encourages helicopter parenting and it encourages practices that actively cripple the next generation and make them incapable of taking care of themselves and living full lives.
This is not only abusive of those individual children, it undermines the fabric of society which is, as the saying goes, only as strong as its weakest link.
The design of the study was as follows: They had people create a timeline of their life -- past, present and future -- and mark important events and dates on it.
A lot of women saw a future full of nothing but endings and those endings were mostly about other people, so nothing she had control over. Their future was, in essence, "My kids will graduate from school, move away and one by one everyone I know will DIE."
This profile was associated with depression.
In contrast, men tended to pair endings with new beginnings -- "I will retire - and finally buy that boat I have always wanted!" -- and were much less likely to be depressed. Their timeline was also filled more with things that were more under their control.
Women tend to frame their lives in terms of their relationships, mostly their personal relationships. They talk about being a mom. They talk about their marriage. Etc.
Men tend to talk much more about their work and hobbies. They are much less likely to define their own identity in terms of who their blood relatives are, who their spouse is, etc.
Empty Nest Syndrome is a product of our times. It grows out of the fact that we expect behaviors and habits from women that were necessary for survival when it was common for couples to have eight or twelve kids.
If you have ten kids and die in your fifties, your kids may not all be grown yet. If you have one or two kids and live until your seventies or eighties, you probably have a LOT of years left after they grow up and move out.
I was a full-time wife and mom for about two decades. I've certainly thought about the high price women pay for devoting themselves to their families for some portion of their lives.
We have created a situation where we expect too much devotion from women and some women feel they are entitled to be taken care of for life because of it.
I certainly can follow the logic train there, but it's a logic train-wreck. It is not a solution to this problem.
The solution to this problem is lighten the load on women. Stop expecting women to give up so much. Stop expecting meals to get fancier and fancier, homes to get bigger and bigger, etc.
Society needs to make room for children to be adequately cared for and come up with patterns that make it possible for women to still have a real career at some point, even if only after the kids move out.
I've written about how to do this before. This post is more about why we need to do it.
We need to do it in part because a woman who defines herself first and foremost as "wife and mom" can become a neurotic woman who "needs" her children to stick around and remain helpless babies so she has a purpose in life. This actively disincentivizes good parenting and actively discourages parents from even trying to raise future adults.
It encourages helicopter parenting and it encourages practices that actively cripple the next generation and make them incapable of taking care of themselves and living full lives.
This is not only abusive of those individual children, it undermines the fabric of society which is, as the saying goes, only as strong as its weakest link.