More than men, women tend to want social approval for all their decisions. People somewhat frequently try to put a gun to my head and DEMAND that I give them my approval and make them feel WONDERFUL about every stupid decision they have ever made or ever will make.
These people tend to wind up hating me. And I tend to wind up hating them back.
It's a very unhealthy, even abusive expectation for someone to demand that I make them feel good about all their decisions. Affirming their right to choose and approving of their choices is NOT the same thing.
There is a scene in The Last Samurai where Katsumoto is speaking with the Emperor. The Emperor is extremely young and asks Katsumoto to tell him what to do. Katsumoto gets down on his knees and tells him he cannot. The Emperor must decide.
That earlier scene is part of what drives the events in this much later clip: Affirmation of Agency does not mean kissing someone's ass and telling them every stupid thing they decide is a good decision. It can include any or all of the following:
If you were willing to go to the ends of the earth to help them succeed in leaving and starting over, that does not mean you are required to still be the person that drives them to the ER yet again because he beat the hell out of her again or the person talking very quietly on the phone for 90 minutes while they whisper at you from their cell phone while locked in a closet or whatever.
It's perfectly okay to tell someone "It's your life. If you want to go back, it's your decision. But this is where I step off this merry-go-round. Not my circus, not my monkeys. Do NOT call me the next time you need someone to drive you to the ER because he slapped you around."
Someone in an abusive relationship who successfully left in part because you helped them may well have a very unrealistic expectation that basically you are their bitch and you must help make their life work, no matter how much they intentionally fuck it up. They may feel you are now REQUIRED to carry part of the burden for their idiotic choices because you told them they COULD make choices.
Nope. That's not how that works. They don't own you because you have a decent streak and were willing to help them leave and did wonderful things for them for a time. It's completely fine to say "Yeah, you going back makes any social contract between us null and void. I'm so done with YOUR crap."
My previous post about the movie Out of Africa describes some of the ways in which Denys affirms Karen's essential agency -- her right to choose -- and also gives her just enough practical support to increase the odds of success. Their relationship as depicted in that movie has multiple healthy examples of someone affirming someone else's right to choose -- to decide for themselves.
Some things you want to actively avoid:
These people tend to wind up hating me. And I tend to wind up hating them back.
It's a very unhealthy, even abusive expectation for someone to demand that I make them feel good about all their decisions. Affirming their right to choose and approving of their choices is NOT the same thing.
There is a scene in The Last Samurai where Katsumoto is speaking with the Emperor. The Emperor is extremely young and asks Katsumoto to tell him what to do. Katsumoto gets down on his knees and tells him he cannot. The Emperor must decide.
That earlier scene is part of what drives the events in this much later clip: Affirmation of Agency does not mean kissing someone's ass and telling them every stupid thing they decide is a good decision. It can include any or all of the following:
- Telling them that it's probably not what you would decide, but admitting there are details you probably don't know and it's not really your business. It's their decision.
- Telling them you absolutely do not approve of this decision and will not support it, but will also not try to talk them out of it as it is their life and their decision.
- Telling them that someone else who clearly has power over them is in the wrong and is behaving abusively and they don't have to go along with it if they do not wish to.
If you were willing to go to the ends of the earth to help them succeed in leaving and starting over, that does not mean you are required to still be the person that drives them to the ER yet again because he beat the hell out of her again or the person talking very quietly on the phone for 90 minutes while they whisper at you from their cell phone while locked in a closet or whatever.
It's perfectly okay to tell someone "It's your life. If you want to go back, it's your decision. But this is where I step off this merry-go-round. Not my circus, not my monkeys. Do NOT call me the next time you need someone to drive you to the ER because he slapped you around."
Someone in an abusive relationship who successfully left in part because you helped them may well have a very unrealistic expectation that basically you are their bitch and you must help make their life work, no matter how much they intentionally fuck it up. They may feel you are now REQUIRED to carry part of the burden for their idiotic choices because you told them they COULD make choices.
Nope. That's not how that works. They don't own you because you have a decent streak and were willing to help them leave and did wonderful things for them for a time. It's completely fine to say "Yeah, you going back makes any social contract between us null and void. I'm so done with YOUR crap."
My previous post about the movie Out of Africa describes some of the ways in which Denys affirms Karen's essential agency -- her right to choose -- and also gives her just enough practical support to increase the odds of success. Their relationship as depicted in that movie has multiple healthy examples of someone affirming someone else's right to choose -- to decide for themselves.
Some things you want to actively avoid:
- Becoming an ass-kissing "Yes man" required to make them feel good about their every decision.
- Left-handedly deciding for them by becoming their go-to person for advice and constructive feedback.
- Becoming the fall-guy and person who takes the blame when their decisions lead to bad results.
Footnote
It should go without saying (but seems not to) that the decision you make about how much support you are willing to give someone will depend on many factors. These factors can include things like:- Is this a blood relative or just a friend?
- Do you two go way back or is it a relatively recent but intense friendship?
- Are there legally dependent minor children in the picture complicating things?
- Do you have reason to believe this person is being black-mailed or manipulated into going back?