I'm a fairly traditionally feminine woman who does not like initiating. I have figured out how to navigate traditional gender dynamics comfortably. If you are asking, then I have the power here. You have to meet my expectations to get a yes.Finding so-called true love seems to be an inherently hard problem to solve. It's why we have the expression true love to begin with: to distinguish it from all the other romantic relationships where people say "I love you" but when push comes to shove you will find out they don't really.
People in pain reach for comfort at hand. People afraid of being alone hook up with someone. "Playing the field" seems to be out of vogue and it is common for people to try to frame a new relationship as a monogamous, committed relationship from the get go.
In practice, hetero relationships often begin with him expecting a commitment from her before he will commit.
Women are often "marrying up." A man with more money than her, even if he isn't per se wealthy, typically has leverage to make demands because if she complies, her life will very likely get better materially. So she usually tries to qualify for this better life to which he can be a ticket even if she's not actually a gold digger.
The first rule of negotiating is that the person who wants or needs it badly loses. If you are trying to qualify -- to meet his demands, to impress him, to please him, to make him accept you -- you will generally agree to most of his demands and likely make relatively few of your own.
More than the money that men bring to the table, these terms negotiated at the outset of a new relationship strike me as disempowering for an awful lot of women. Failure to make demands from the start places women at a disadvantage long term.
Not all negotiations end with a winner and a loser. It is possible to achieve a win/win outcome, but you can't get there from here, as they say.
In order to reach an agreement successfully, negotiating parties must understand one another’s needs, values and interests.There is a discovery process involved in successfully establishing a healthy, committed monogamous relationship. Before any meaningful agreement can be reached, the two parties need to get to know each other in an honest way first.
Historically, this tended to happen somewhat naturally as a consequence of people living in small communities. In many cases, you married your childhood sweetheart -- someone you had known for years under circumstances where it was nigh impossible for them to fool you in a big way about anything about their life.
One of the problems with modern dating practices is that you may be dating someone you met via an app and you may not have any mutual acquaintances or shared contexts. Although that can be a positive -- data suggests it has been a boon for the gay community and for interracial relationships -- as a worst case scenario, this leaves you open to being outright fooled by a con artist.
Even in a best case scenario, it leaves a lot of room for serious misunderstandings. Shared social context provides substantial valuable feedback concerning what is true, what exactly did they mean by that and how high is "high" so to speak.
A lack of shared context interferes with the essential discovery process necessary for both parties to understand what is expected and what exactly they are getting themselves into. This can kill the relationship, either early on or at a later stage, when push comes to shove and they learn the hard way that they aren't on the same page about something or other.
The best alternative to a negotiated agreement (BATNA) is the course of action that a party engaged in negotiations will take if talks fail, and no agreement can be reached.If you wish to establish a solid relationship, it helps to take the position that "I would rather be alone than be in a bad relationship." Bad relationships seem to very commonly be fruit of the poison seed where that seed is a fear of being alone.
You deserve the best in lifeIf you are willing to be alone, you have the power to say "No thank you. That's not acceptable to me. I would rather be alone than accept those terms."
So if the time isn't right, then move on
Second best is never enough
You'll do much better, baby, on your own
The challenge seems to be effectively communicating that "I'm not rejecting YOU. I'm rejecting these terms and conditions."
If you are a woman, tend your own garden and dream your own dreams. Think about what sort of person would happily fit into your life, but be willing to say "No, thank you" to square pegs who are a poor fit for your needs.
Accepting half a loaf instead of baking your own bread to occupy yourself means you will be poorly positioned for establishing a good relationship should you finally meet the proverbial Mr. Right.
Please note that does not mean you can't smell the roses along the way. Just don't make commitments that don't make sense.