I've done two college papers on date rape. Among other things, most date rape involves alcohol.
Alcohol has been called the number one date rape drug. One article I read on college campus rapes indicated that in the previous four years (at some school), there had only been a single reported rape that didn't involve alcohol.
In a hetero scenario, the man is usually the inititator of sex and men typically tolerate alcohol better than women. So he and she can have consumed the exact same amount of alcohol and the result may be he now has a light buzz whereas she is now seriously impaired.
Please note that the definition of rape hinges on the detail of consent. It is not about being violently assaulted per se and date rape in particular is often not violent.
Date rape is a really hard thing to talk about in a meaningful manner in part because the woman in question may not know for sure if she was or was not raped.
I read one article where some group -- perhaps a college class -- was asked to raise their hand if they had ever been raped and about half the women in class raised their hand. Then they were asked to raise their hand if they ever had sex after telling the man "no" and ninety percent raised their hands.
So you get different answers depending upon how you frame the question even though, in theory, the answer to both of those questions should be the same. Some women have had sex after telling a man "no" yet don't think of it as "I was raped."
When I was an active participant on Metafilter, I saw probably several different anonymous Asks where the woman talked about having sex with a coworker or acquaintance after he got her falling down drunk and these women often said things like "I know I need to drink less" and "How do I tell my boyfriend I was unfaithful while drunk?"
It was Mefites who had to tell her "Oh, honey, you were RAPED." This always dramatically changed the conversation and was one of the better things I saw on Metafilter, which wasn't all bad in spite of how terribly they treated me most of the time.
So if you drink or use other drugs on a date or at a party or some such, you may end up in bed with someone and not know if you really wanted it or not. You may not clearly remember the events and you may have conflicting feelings and be unsure if you wanted it or not.
A complicating factor is that many "first time sex" encounters -- i.e. the first time these two people had sex with each other -- involve alcohol. Why? Because alcohol lowers inhibitions.
I once talked to a "very nice man" who was "a real catch" who told me he routinely plied his dates with alcohol for the express purpose of getting them into bed. I made a mental note to never date this man because his definition of consent and mine are not on the same page.
This is not something most people want to hear. Most people act like if you talk about these stats, you are blaming the victim.
People also frequently decry any suggestion that women should be careful about drinking on dates or at parties in order to stay safe. People act like that is interfering with her "right" to party as hard as the guys or some such.
People also do not want to hear that some men are genuinely surprised when they get charged with rape. The guy sometimes thought he had her consent and it's sometimes news to him that she doesn't feel that he did.
Most of the world seems to want to believe rape is a very cut and dried crime where the man did it on purpose with malice aforethought and the woman was crystal clear she didn't want it and could tell you promptly "I was raped."
The messy reality surrounding date rape flies in the face of such mental models and leaves most people very uncomfortable.
In my opinion, dating under the influence is not a best practice.
Keep in mind that driving under the influence doesn't mean you can't have a drink at all. It means you can't have so much alcohol that your blood alcohol content exceeds a particular threshold.
So I'm not suggesting you can't drink at all. I'm only suggesting that if you wouldn't legally be allowed to drive a car, you probably can't meaningfully consent to sex either.
Alcohol has been called the number one date rape drug. One article I read on college campus rapes indicated that in the previous four years (at some school), there had only been a single reported rape that didn't involve alcohol.
In a hetero scenario, the man is usually the inititator of sex and men typically tolerate alcohol better than women. So he and she can have consumed the exact same amount of alcohol and the result may be he now has a light buzz whereas she is now seriously impaired.
Please note that the definition of rape hinges on the detail of consent. It is not about being violently assaulted per se and date rape in particular is often not violent.
Date rape is a really hard thing to talk about in a meaningful manner in part because the woman in question may not know for sure if she was or was not raped.
I read one article where some group -- perhaps a college class -- was asked to raise their hand if they had ever been raped and about half the women in class raised their hand. Then they were asked to raise their hand if they ever had sex after telling the man "no" and ninety percent raised their hands.
So you get different answers depending upon how you frame the question even though, in theory, the answer to both of those questions should be the same. Some women have had sex after telling a man "no" yet don't think of it as "I was raped."
When I was an active participant on Metafilter, I saw probably several different anonymous Asks where the woman talked about having sex with a coworker or acquaintance after he got her falling down drunk and these women often said things like "I know I need to drink less" and "How do I tell my boyfriend I was unfaithful while drunk?"
It was Mefites who had to tell her "Oh, honey, you were RAPED." This always dramatically changed the conversation and was one of the better things I saw on Metafilter, which wasn't all bad in spite of how terribly they treated me most of the time.
So if you drink or use other drugs on a date or at a party or some such, you may end up in bed with someone and not know if you really wanted it or not. You may not clearly remember the events and you may have conflicting feelings and be unsure if you wanted it or not.
A complicating factor is that many "first time sex" encounters -- i.e. the first time these two people had sex with each other -- involve alcohol. Why? Because alcohol lowers inhibitions.
I once talked to a "very nice man" who was "a real catch" who told me he routinely plied his dates with alcohol for the express purpose of getting them into bed. I made a mental note to never date this man because his definition of consent and mine are not on the same page.
This is not something most people want to hear. Most people act like if you talk about these stats, you are blaming the victim.
People also frequently decry any suggestion that women should be careful about drinking on dates or at parties in order to stay safe. People act like that is interfering with her "right" to party as hard as the guys or some such.
People also do not want to hear that some men are genuinely surprised when they get charged with rape. The guy sometimes thought he had her consent and it's sometimes news to him that she doesn't feel that he did.
Most of the world seems to want to believe rape is a very cut and dried crime where the man did it on purpose with malice aforethought and the woman was crystal clear she didn't want it and could tell you promptly "I was raped."
The messy reality surrounding date rape flies in the face of such mental models and leaves most people very uncomfortable.
In my opinion, dating under the influence is not a best practice.
Keep in mind that driving under the influence doesn't mean you can't have a drink at all. It means you can't have so much alcohol that your blood alcohol content exceeds a particular threshold.
So I'm not suggesting you can't drink at all. I'm only suggesting that if you wouldn't legally be allowed to drive a car, you probably can't meaningfully consent to sex either.