I dress for women and I undress for men.When I met the future ex, he looked like something out of Revenge of the Nerds. After we became an item, I took him shopping and got him a haircut and put a stop to that.
- Angie Dickinson
On two separate occasions in our twenties, we met the mother of some friend of mine and the mom said "What a good looking, well-dressed man! I can see why you married him!" He and I exchanged looks and both burst out laughing.
Nah, you got that backwards. He's a good looking, well-dressed man because he married me.
I didn't care all that much how he dressed. I expect men to dress for their job and undress for me.
I cared that he looked good naked. But it bothered him how people perceived him and I knew how to fix it, so I did.
At one time, I had a bunch of books about clothes and fantasies I would become an image consultant. I think it's for the best that never materialized.
In Metamorphosis, David Kibbe makes the point that the fashion industry isn't really about helping women feel better about themselves and feel comfortable in their clothes. His work was about that and I've adopted that as an important standard myself.
I still don't know how best to promote that because failing to be adequately socially acceptable can also be a source of personal discomfort. To me, being comfortable in your clothes is not just about physical comfort. It's about finding some sweet spot where you like how you look without torturing yourself to achieve it.
For men, being competent at work is the path to being attractive. The world tells men that if you want a wife and kids, first make enough money.
For women, those two things compete and conflict. A woman can be attractive without career success. She can be attractive by putting her man first and looking good. Meanwhile, simply having a serious career can be an impediment to having a spouse and children.
On average, women make less money and have less power than men. For entertainment careers, women are generally expected to be attractive to get the job at all.
A man doesn't have to be sexy to be a big movie star or hugely successful singer. A man can be a character actor and have huge success. In contrast, there are relatively few big name female character actors, Kathy Bates being a notable exception.
For the entertainment sector, some women are able to sell themselves on sex appeal, get taken seriously and seem to not be bothered by playing it that way. Dolly Parton is infamous for being intentionally excessive and refusing to tone down her town trollop inspired public personae.
Parton has said "I'm not dumb. And I'm not blonde." She also told Billy Ray Cyrus "That shit sells records" when he was appalled and apologetic that the two of them were rumored to be an item while they were on tour together.
Parton's public image is very carefully and intentionally crafted and she seems to know something other women don't seem to know. What that is, I have no idea.
Outside of the entertainment industry, it's perhaps even harder for women to navigate this issue successfully. In a world where sex sells and women are expected to be sex objects first and foremost, there seem to be no established norms for how to be adequately attractive to be socially acceptable without being too sexy to be taken seriously as a career woman.
Worse, trying like hell to refuse to be a sex object fails to be a simple solution to this complex problem. There is a great scene in the movie White Chicks where Latrell is told in no uncertain terms to buzz off and get lost and is finally maced for his excessive aggressiveness and his response to that is "She don't know it yet but that's wifey."
In overwhelmingly male spaces, simply being female can be enough to make you "hot" to many of the men around you. No amount of dressing down, trying to not be flirty, clearly saying "NO. Not interested." etc etc serves as a sure-bet cure for the problem.