I recently saw an old clip of an interview with Dolly Parton where she said something like her husband was the right man for her because he gave her her freedom and most men would not do that.
I want a real career in my own name. When the world asked me to choose my left arm or my right, I went and did the full-time wife and mom thing. I got to meet those needs thoroughly and now I want to meet other needs of mine before I die. Being a bauble on some man's arm simply won't meet those needs.
Those needs will not be met by marrying well. Some man's money won't fulfill them. I would still be second fiddle to him and I would not really matter like him, even if being his opened doors for me and made some things easier for me to accomplish. It still would not accomplish what I wish to accomplish. It wouldn't be the same thing.
How do you get power as a woman? You have to learn to speak for yourself in your own name and not as so-and-so's wife or whatever.
In a world in which most people with real power are male, you may well find that if you have any ambition as a woman, you will run into the same issue over and over: Powerful men will find you attractive and saying "yes" to their interest closes doors on your career ambitions.
But so will saying "no." Especially if you aren't diplomatic about it.
Trying to tell a powerful man "no" diplomatically seems to be extremely challenging.
For starters, powerful men are dealmakers, so they routinely and habitually hear "no" in their work life and have to come back and say "But what if we did X differently?" in order to make deals. If they gave up too easily, they wouldn't be powerful people. Full stop. So they have many years of experience with practicing the art of try, try again and it colors everything they do.
This means that even polite, respectful, well-mannered powerful men will be disinclined to just take no for an answer. Doing so is not how they got to where they are in life.
Yes, I know, this is where all the people hot to trot to call me a rape apologist will get their hackles up. I'm not a rape apologist.
I'm a woman who is comfortable with men, who likes men and who has learned to spend substantial time in their company without sleeping with any of them and to get taken seriously to some small degree when I speak. And I am telling you my mental models for how I try to navigate that space, which may not be worth a hill of beans given how dirt poor I am. So feel free to conclude "She's an idiot." and stop reading my stupid little blog. Please, and thank you.
If you sleep with every man that hits on you because you like men, you will not have power. You will be a plaything or, at best, you will end up marrying well. But you will not have power in your own right.
The men you sleep with will not make deals with you. They will have sex with you and enjoy your company and if they really like you they may want to marry you, but they will not treat you as someone who belongs in "the old boys club."
I have been alone a long time. I don't have the polite, convenient excuse that "I can't sleep with you because I am married."
So I have had to learn to make it clear "It is my decision and the answer is no." And I think that's the right way to handle it even if you are married.
If you tell a man "I am married (or in a relationship)" as your polite excuse for not sleeping with him, he will likely ask again if you get divorced (or your husband dies). If you tell him "no" at that point, you have just told him "I lied to you, which means I am a liar and you can't trust what I say."
Powerful men will not make deals with you if you prove yourself to be a casual liar on a detail like that. If you told them "No, because I am currently in a relationship (in other words: Otherwise, I would say yes)" you had better sincerely mean that "I would sleep with you if it weren't the makings of a scandal." and you had better be prepared to say yes should you end up single again and the same man again expresses his interest.
The other problem with saying "No because I am married" is that it de facto agrees with the dominant culture that women are merely sex objects and prizes to be won in a world that rewards rich and powerful men by letting them have the best women. So you are telling them you don't count and they will not take you seriously. You are self-identifying as a plaything for men.
For some men, this is merely a challenge. In their minds, they hear "Try harder."
In worst case scenarios, this can potentially go very ugly places. There was a Law and Order episode where some woman eventually learns that her current husband actually murdered her late husband and it eventually comes out that he had been hitting on her before her husband died and at some point she tried to politely deflect his interest by saying "Maybe if I weren't married." So he murdered the guy and then "consoled" the widow and married her.
Murder is probably not some kind of routine, normal outcome of a woman saying "Maybe if I weren't currently married" but giving that as an excuse is sort of like a variation of that joke about a woman being asked if she would sleep with him for a million dollars and when she says "yes" he asks "How about for a hundred?" and when she gets all incensed and says "What kind of girl do you think I am?" he says "We already established that. We are just dickering on price now."
If you are a woman and you wish to be somebody in your own name, you have to learn how to tell men "no" on a regular basis, you have to learn to tell them "Because I said no" and not based on some bullshit polite excuse like "Well, I am married" and you have got to learn to do so as diplomatically as possible or you have no hope of opening doors.
If you are going to say "Yes" because he's charming, he's rich, he's powerful and you are flattered, you are going to end up marrying well and that's really it. You will be a bauble on some man's arm.
For me, a saving grace is that I have a very deadly genetic disorder and it's why I have been celibate for more than fifteen years: Because even sleeping with one man in a faithful, monogamous relationship was too much of a threat to my health and welfare. Sleeping around was and still is an absolute no go and that will not change because my condition is genetic. I can manage it and not be deathly ill but it cannot be cured.
That makes it a little more palatable to tell men "no" but the problem is that powerful men tend to be the marrying kind. They are usually not looking for a dalliance and they don't like having their feelings played with.
Decades ago, powerful men routinely had affairs and if they took care of both their wife and lover, the world looked the other way and politely covered it up. Today, powerful men who have affairs damage their careers.
If you really turn the head of a powerful man, he likely wants to marry you, not just have a little fun for a time. He has a lot on the line and he has a lot to offer and the world sees him as "a real catch" and so on and so forth. And the minute he decides he likes you, he likely begins thinking through how to make arrangements to make you his without cutting his own throat, careerwise.
Playing with the feelings of a powerful man is dangerous business and he will feel played with simply because he liked you, even if you were in no way trying to elicit such interest. Turning a powerful man's head is a giant can of worms. All attempts to assure him that you are NOT insulting him and NOT telling him he is too old, too fat, the wrong race, etc etc etc -- whatever his personal pain points are -- only breathes new life into his fantasies of making you his.
But if you don't make it clear that "I have no problem with your age/race/weight/whatever" you will have given him good reason to find some bullshit excuse on which to kill the deal because you have hurt his feelings, you have offended him, etc. Deals are made based on personal trust. Insulting people is not how you establish trust.
The hardest thing to do in the world is to somehow convey to a man sincerely "You aren't too old/fat/whatever. You are a charming individual and very attractive. I'm not offended. I'm quite flattered. And the answer is still no."
But if you wish to be a mover and shaker, I think that's the way that has to go sometimes. Otherwise your career will be derailed at some point and whatever your day job and yadda, you will still find yourself playing second fiddle to a man whose career is much more important than yours.
I have no plans to become a bauble on some man's arm, no matter who he is, no matter how much money and power he has, no matter how personable, charming and delightful he may be. It's simply not what I want out of life. Full stop.
It's not a deal I will take. And it's sometimes quite hard to get it through some man's skull that all the money and power you have accumulated that the entire world has told you for your entire life means you deserve the best in life, including the best woman, still won't get you me.
For me, the diplomatic answer is "I can't because I can't be healthy if I marry you. Someone expecting me to be miserably sick to be with them doesn't love me. Sorry, no." And even that seems to be a shockingly hard sell at times. You would think the whole "Being with you would KILL me and it would be a slow and gruesome death" would be an easier way to get men off your back than has been the case in my experience.
I want a real career in my own name. When the world asked me to choose my left arm or my right, I went and did the full-time wife and mom thing. I got to meet those needs thoroughly and now I want to meet other needs of mine before I die. Being a bauble on some man's arm simply won't meet those needs.
Those needs will not be met by marrying well. Some man's money won't fulfill them. I would still be second fiddle to him and I would not really matter like him, even if being his opened doors for me and made some things easier for me to accomplish. It still would not accomplish what I wish to accomplish. It wouldn't be the same thing.
How do you get power as a woman? You have to learn to speak for yourself in your own name and not as so-and-so's wife or whatever.
In a world in which most people with real power are male, you may well find that if you have any ambition as a woman, you will run into the same issue over and over: Powerful men will find you attractive and saying "yes" to their interest closes doors on your career ambitions.
But so will saying "no." Especially if you aren't diplomatic about it.
Trying to tell a powerful man "no" diplomatically seems to be extremely challenging.
For starters, powerful men are dealmakers, so they routinely and habitually hear "no" in their work life and have to come back and say "But what if we did X differently?" in order to make deals. If they gave up too easily, they wouldn't be powerful people. Full stop. So they have many years of experience with practicing the art of try, try again and it colors everything they do.
This means that even polite, respectful, well-mannered powerful men will be disinclined to just take no for an answer. Doing so is not how they got to where they are in life.
Yes, I know, this is where all the people hot to trot to call me a rape apologist will get their hackles up. I'm not a rape apologist.
I'm a woman who is comfortable with men, who likes men and who has learned to spend substantial time in their company without sleeping with any of them and to get taken seriously to some small degree when I speak. And I am telling you my mental models for how I try to navigate that space, which may not be worth a hill of beans given how dirt poor I am. So feel free to conclude "She's an idiot." and stop reading my stupid little blog. Please, and thank you.
If you sleep with every man that hits on you because you like men, you will not have power. You will be a plaything or, at best, you will end up marrying well. But you will not have power in your own right.
The men you sleep with will not make deals with you. They will have sex with you and enjoy your company and if they really like you they may want to marry you, but they will not treat you as someone who belongs in "the old boys club."
I have been alone a long time. I don't have the polite, convenient excuse that "I can't sleep with you because I am married."
So I have had to learn to make it clear "It is my decision and the answer is no." And I think that's the right way to handle it even if you are married.
If you tell a man "I am married (or in a relationship)" as your polite excuse for not sleeping with him, he will likely ask again if you get divorced (or your husband dies). If you tell him "no" at that point, you have just told him "I lied to you, which means I am a liar and you can't trust what I say."
Powerful men will not make deals with you if you prove yourself to be a casual liar on a detail like that. If you told them "No, because I am currently in a relationship (in other words: Otherwise, I would say yes)" you had better sincerely mean that "I would sleep with you if it weren't the makings of a scandal." and you had better be prepared to say yes should you end up single again and the same man again expresses his interest.
The other problem with saying "No because I am married" is that it de facto agrees with the dominant culture that women are merely sex objects and prizes to be won in a world that rewards rich and powerful men by letting them have the best women. So you are telling them you don't count and they will not take you seriously. You are self-identifying as a plaything for men.
For some men, this is merely a challenge. In their minds, they hear "Try harder."
In worst case scenarios, this can potentially go very ugly places. There was a Law and Order episode where some woman eventually learns that her current husband actually murdered her late husband and it eventually comes out that he had been hitting on her before her husband died and at some point she tried to politely deflect his interest by saying "Maybe if I weren't married." So he murdered the guy and then "consoled" the widow and married her.
Murder is probably not some kind of routine, normal outcome of a woman saying "Maybe if I weren't currently married" but giving that as an excuse is sort of like a variation of that joke about a woman being asked if she would sleep with him for a million dollars and when she says "yes" he asks "How about for a hundred?" and when she gets all incensed and says "What kind of girl do you think I am?" he says "We already established that. We are just dickering on price now."
If you are a woman and you wish to be somebody in your own name, you have to learn how to tell men "no" on a regular basis, you have to learn to tell them "Because I said no" and not based on some bullshit polite excuse like "Well, I am married" and you have got to learn to do so as diplomatically as possible or you have no hope of opening doors.
If you are going to say "Yes" because he's charming, he's rich, he's powerful and you are flattered, you are going to end up marrying well and that's really it. You will be a bauble on some man's arm.
For me, a saving grace is that I have a very deadly genetic disorder and it's why I have been celibate for more than fifteen years: Because even sleeping with one man in a faithful, monogamous relationship was too much of a threat to my health and welfare. Sleeping around was and still is an absolute no go and that will not change because my condition is genetic. I can manage it and not be deathly ill but it cannot be cured.
That makes it a little more palatable to tell men "no" but the problem is that powerful men tend to be the marrying kind. They are usually not looking for a dalliance and they don't like having their feelings played with.
Decades ago, powerful men routinely had affairs and if they took care of both their wife and lover, the world looked the other way and politely covered it up. Today, powerful men who have affairs damage their careers.
If you really turn the head of a powerful man, he likely wants to marry you, not just have a little fun for a time. He has a lot on the line and he has a lot to offer and the world sees him as "a real catch" and so on and so forth. And the minute he decides he likes you, he likely begins thinking through how to make arrangements to make you his without cutting his own throat, careerwise.
Playing with the feelings of a powerful man is dangerous business and he will feel played with simply because he liked you, even if you were in no way trying to elicit such interest. Turning a powerful man's head is a giant can of worms. All attempts to assure him that you are NOT insulting him and NOT telling him he is too old, too fat, the wrong race, etc etc etc -- whatever his personal pain points are -- only breathes new life into his fantasies of making you his.
But if you don't make it clear that "I have no problem with your age/race/weight/whatever" you will have given him good reason to find some bullshit excuse on which to kill the deal because you have hurt his feelings, you have offended him, etc. Deals are made based on personal trust. Insulting people is not how you establish trust.
The hardest thing to do in the world is to somehow convey to a man sincerely "You aren't too old/fat/whatever. You are a charming individual and very attractive. I'm not offended. I'm quite flattered. And the answer is still no."
But if you wish to be a mover and shaker, I think that's the way that has to go sometimes. Otherwise your career will be derailed at some point and whatever your day job and yadda, you will still find yourself playing second fiddle to a man whose career is much more important than yours.
I have no plans to become a bauble on some man's arm, no matter who he is, no matter how much money and power he has, no matter how personable, charming and delightful he may be. It's simply not what I want out of life. Full stop.
It's not a deal I will take. And it's sometimes quite hard to get it through some man's skull that all the money and power you have accumulated that the entire world has told you for your entire life means you deserve the best in life, including the best woman, still won't get you me.
For me, the diplomatic answer is "I can't because I can't be healthy if I marry you. Someone expecting me to be miserably sick to be with them doesn't love me. Sorry, no." And even that seems to be a shockingly hard sell at times. You would think the whole "Being with you would KILL me and it would be a slow and gruesome death" would be an easier way to get men off your back than has been the case in my experience.