I got married at nineteen to another nineteen year old. By the time my long, drawn-out divorce was final, I had been married more than twenty-two years.
I didn't get involved with too many White American men during my divorce. I had two reasons for that.
The first and more compelling reason is that I have a predominantly Caucasian genetic disorder that is classified as a Dread Disease, as does one of my sons. Skin color was a quick and dirty genetics test assuring me that I would not end up accidentally pregnant out of wedlock with another child with my condition, a scenario that gave me the heebie jeebies and was a distinct turn off, at least until I became post menopausal and no longer had to fear an unexpected pregnancy.
The other reason is that most White American men couldn't figure out how to talk to me. They couldn't relate to me.
Having been a full-time homemaker and mother for more than half my life, I was some blank slate in their mind who didn't exist in my own right as a person. They couldn't imagine what I spent all those years doing.
Men from cultures where homemaking and motherhood are still viewed as respectable, sacred professions in their own right had no problem talking to me and finding me interesting. These men tended to be Hispanic, Native or Middle Eastern.
I was a good student in school. As a military wife, I became someone fairly well traveled in spite of never having much money. I have several years of college. I have always had hobbies and interests of my own.
For men who could automatically see me as a real person with a respected role in life, it wasn't at all hard to talk with them about a wide variety of mutual interests and relatable experiences. But for an awful lot of White American men, there was just no there there and they couldn't manage to have some kind of meaty conversation with me.
When Bill Clinton was elected President, he and his wife Hillary tried to tell the world that they were "getting a two for one deal." I think this was a mistake.
We have only ever had one President who was not married when he was elected, James Buchanan. It's such an anomaly that people speculate that he must have been gay as the explanation for why he was a lifelong bachelor.
The role of the First Lady is a well-developed role: 41 Rules You Didn't Know First Ladies Have to Follow
I don't know how we find a path forward here on improving the status of women but I am quite confident you do not do that by acting like women who have held the only roles society previously made available to women are somehow less intelligent, less competent, less important and less of a human being.
You first need respect and rights. From that, accomplishment can follow.
We can't wait for women to have accomplishments in their own name in some male codified format that involves a title and a good salary before we grant them real respect and rights. They have to have real respect and rights in order to begin opening those doors at all.
Otherwise we end up treating them like slaves. We end up acting like what they give somehow doesn't count while expecting them to keep giving it though they don't get paid, it doesn't get them promotions, etc.
For a time, the term emotional labor was something of a hot topic on the internet. I don't much like the term and I think it's a poor phrase for trying to capture what was intended.
It grew out of some article that introduced the idea that women get all this social baggage hung on them where we expect women to do work of various sorts -- often similar to a therapist, mom or domestic servant -- "out of the goodness of their hearts" with no compensation of any kind whatsoever.
At the time the article came out, I was homeless and people on the forum where I saw the article and learned the term were all too happy to get free "emotional labor" from me while not giving a damn at all about how poor I was. They sort of expected me to be everyone's "mom" while not doing ANYTHING about the fact that "mom" was sleeping in a tent and going hungry on a regular basis and their behavior was actively helping keep me trapped in dire poverty instead of helping me to escape it.
This was a rather embittering experience that I will never forget. With luck, that means it will continue to inform my opinions and my approach to handling things in the future even if I ever manage to get the "real career" I crave and somehow get a good income in my own name and not as a bauble on some man's arm.
I didn't get involved with too many White American men during my divorce. I had two reasons for that.
The first and more compelling reason is that I have a predominantly Caucasian genetic disorder that is classified as a Dread Disease, as does one of my sons. Skin color was a quick and dirty genetics test assuring me that I would not end up accidentally pregnant out of wedlock with another child with my condition, a scenario that gave me the heebie jeebies and was a distinct turn off, at least until I became post menopausal and no longer had to fear an unexpected pregnancy.
The other reason is that most White American men couldn't figure out how to talk to me. They couldn't relate to me.
Having been a full-time homemaker and mother for more than half my life, I was some blank slate in their mind who didn't exist in my own right as a person. They couldn't imagine what I spent all those years doing.
Men from cultures where homemaking and motherhood are still viewed as respectable, sacred professions in their own right had no problem talking to me and finding me interesting. These men tended to be Hispanic, Native or Middle Eastern.
I was a good student in school. As a military wife, I became someone fairly well traveled in spite of never having much money. I have several years of college. I have always had hobbies and interests of my own.
For men who could automatically see me as a real person with a respected role in life, it wasn't at all hard to talk with them about a wide variety of mutual interests and relatable experiences. But for an awful lot of White American men, there was just no there there and they couldn't manage to have some kind of meaty conversation with me.
When Bill Clinton was elected President, he and his wife Hillary tried to tell the world that they were "getting a two for one deal." I think this was a mistake.
We have only ever had one President who was not married when he was elected, James Buchanan. It's such an anomaly that people speculate that he must have been gay as the explanation for why he was a lifelong bachelor.
The role of the First Lady is a well-developed role: 41 Rules You Didn't Know First Ladies Have to Follow
Although the first lady's role has never been codified or officially defined, she figures prominently in the political and social life of the United States. Since the early 20th century, the first lady has been assisted by official staff...Bill and Hillary Clinton were breaking ground. You don't do that without some hiccups. She apparently realized this was a mistake and later chose to run for political office in her own name instead of trying to unofficially seize power based on whom she was married to and her paid career.
I don't know how we find a path forward here on improving the status of women but I am quite confident you do not do that by acting like women who have held the only roles society previously made available to women are somehow less intelligent, less competent, less important and less of a human being.
You first need respect and rights. From that, accomplishment can follow.
We can't wait for women to have accomplishments in their own name in some male codified format that involves a title and a good salary before we grant them real respect and rights. They have to have real respect and rights in order to begin opening those doors at all.
Otherwise we end up treating them like slaves. We end up acting like what they give somehow doesn't count while expecting them to keep giving it though they don't get paid, it doesn't get them promotions, etc.
For a time, the term emotional labor was something of a hot topic on the internet. I don't much like the term and I think it's a poor phrase for trying to capture what was intended.
It grew out of some article that introduced the idea that women get all this social baggage hung on them where we expect women to do work of various sorts -- often similar to a therapist, mom or domestic servant -- "out of the goodness of their hearts" with no compensation of any kind whatsoever.
At the time the article came out, I was homeless and people on the forum where I saw the article and learned the term were all too happy to get free "emotional labor" from me while not giving a damn at all about how poor I was. They sort of expected me to be everyone's "mom" while not doing ANYTHING about the fact that "mom" was sleeping in a tent and going hungry on a regular basis and their behavior was actively helping keep me trapped in dire poverty instead of helping me to escape it.
This was a rather embittering experience that I will never forget. With luck, that means it will continue to inform my opinions and my approach to handling things in the future even if I ever manage to get the "real career" I crave and somehow get a good income in my own name and not as a bauble on some man's arm.