I love this scene from the movie Mona Lisa Smile. In a nutshell, it nicely captures the friction between homemakers and self-proclaimed feminists that has been a thorn in my side for years.
It's been a lot of years since I read up on international educational policies, so this info may be out of date, but my general understanding is that one of the good things about the US is some of our educational policies, policies that de facto mean we educate the world. People who want college and can't go in their country sometimes come here to get a degree.
In some countries, you have to choose in middle school at the tender age of about thirteen what your future career will look like and they shunt you into either a trade school type high school or a high school that prepares you for college. There is no changing your mind later. If you do not choose "college" as your path at that point in time, well, fuck you. No take backs.
The US does not do that. We do not make you make permanent choices of that sort at that age. We have various policies that are very pro adult education and we let people go back to school later if they want to.
But we still kind of de facto ask women to choose between being devoted moms and being serious career people at an early age and "no take backs." To my mind most self-proclaimed feminists are women who want careers and want the world designed to support that and they see devoted moms who choose to be home with the kids for some years as The Enemy.
It really shouldn't be that way and it doesn't have to be that way. It doesn't seem to be in Europe.
I read a lot of women's rights type stuff in my twenties to try to figure out why I didn't end up with the career I expected to have as a bright student with good grades and all that. The nutshell version of all that reading is that American women chose a traditionally American political stance of "Don't tread on me." when pursuing women's lib and it is biting us in the ass.
We have historically taken the political position of "Get your boot off my neck and watch me dazzle." Which works just fine so long as you do not marry and do not have kids.
Last time I looked at such statistics, American women who were childless and unmarried made about 98 percent what men made who had similar education and experience. Married women and moms made about two thirds what men made.
European women have generally fared better because they didn't say "Get out my way, asshole, and watch me be awesome." Instead, they took the position that "I need help carrying the load of childbearing and childrearing. That's the primary thing holding me back. Help me with that."
They generally have lower rates of divorce, better maternity leave policies, more family help with raising the kids and better help with finding and paying for child care, among other things. And the result is they generally do better in terms of having serious careers and making money more in line with male salaries than American women.
We are actively creating a schism unnecessarily in this country. And we are also screwing over our children -- our future -- to do it.
I'm a former homemaker. I would like a real career. Since my divorce, I haven't really managed to arrange that and part of the reason is because I have serious health issues, among other things.
But I also think my personal burdens have helped make me more aware than average of some of the barriers to my success out in the world. And one of them is my gender and part of that is hatred from other women who accepted what the world told them of "You need to CHOOSE: One or the other. You cannot have both."
And whichever they chose, some of these women just HATE me for trying to have BOTH. And some of the resentful women who HATE me for trying to have both have been in positions of power and have negatively influenced my life, probably including some local women who were absolutely not "allies" of mine and Jessamyn West, the very first paid employee and former lead moderator of Metafilter who pretty much seems to have single-handedly shaped Metafilter into the cesspit it is -- or was when I was there.
On the upside, last I heard, she "retired" and no longer officially works there (though she was still doing the podcast with Josh last I heard) and Josh Millard, who took over when the founder left, was already walking back some of her very broken policies even before I parted ways with them. Maybe he will eventually turn it into something that doesn't completely suck.
By the time I exited stage right, it was at least no longer official mod policy to actively encourage membership to BULLY specific individuals. When I first joined, they would tell one individual "Shut up and stop posting" if there was a pile on where a lot of other people were replying to that person and then LET other people continue to attack that person afterwards.
If you replied to those attacks, you were the bad guy because they had told you to shut up. The result was that some members -- including me -- were targetted by awful people on a regular basis and those awful people got away with it because the mods let them and even ACTIVELY encouraged it.
I think Jessamyn always had it in for me personally for various reasons and likely the dynamic I am writing about here is one of them.
Jessamyn West chose to have no children. When the US told her "Pick your left arm or your right arm to have lopped off -- decide whether you want to be a good mom or a human being with a brain and some vague semblance of a life." she chose the no kids route.
When the world gave me the same option, I went "Uuuuh. I would like to NOT have either arm lopped off, please and thank you. How can I get that?"
It's been tough going but I think overall, as much as my life sucks, it sucks less than that of a lot of women who accepted the idea that they needed to choose one or the other. And I think that's part of why so many feminists and "career women" hate me: Because rejecting having kids and being the little wifey failed to get them what they really wanted and they look at me and feel shafted rather than having sympathy for how hard my life genuinely is.
We shouldn't be demanding that women make that choice. We don't ask men to choose. We tell men "If you want to have a wife and kids, you need career success to pay for that."
There has got to be a better way here. Europe apparently sucks less than this on this topic from what I gather.
In some countries, you have to choose in middle school at the tender age of about thirteen what your future career will look like and they shunt you into either a trade school type high school or a high school that prepares you for college. There is no changing your mind later. If you do not choose "college" as your path at that point in time, well, fuck you. No take backs.
The US does not do that. We do not make you make permanent choices of that sort at that age. We have various policies that are very pro adult education and we let people go back to school later if they want to.
But we still kind of de facto ask women to choose between being devoted moms and being serious career people at an early age and "no take backs." To my mind most self-proclaimed feminists are women who want careers and want the world designed to support that and they see devoted moms who choose to be home with the kids for some years as The Enemy.
It really shouldn't be that way and it doesn't have to be that way. It doesn't seem to be in Europe.
I read a lot of women's rights type stuff in my twenties to try to figure out why I didn't end up with the career I expected to have as a bright student with good grades and all that. The nutshell version of all that reading is that American women chose a traditionally American political stance of "Don't tread on me." when pursuing women's lib and it is biting us in the ass.
We have historically taken the political position of "Get your boot off my neck and watch me dazzle." Which works just fine so long as you do not marry and do not have kids.
Last time I looked at such statistics, American women who were childless and unmarried made about 98 percent what men made who had similar education and experience. Married women and moms made about two thirds what men made.
European women have generally fared better because they didn't say "Get out my way, asshole, and watch me be awesome." Instead, they took the position that "I need help carrying the load of childbearing and childrearing. That's the primary thing holding me back. Help me with that."
They generally have lower rates of divorce, better maternity leave policies, more family help with raising the kids and better help with finding and paying for child care, among other things. And the result is they generally do better in terms of having serious careers and making money more in line with male salaries than American women.
We are actively creating a schism unnecessarily in this country. And we are also screwing over our children -- our future -- to do it.
I'm a former homemaker. I would like a real career. Since my divorce, I haven't really managed to arrange that and part of the reason is because I have serious health issues, among other things.
But I also think my personal burdens have helped make me more aware than average of some of the barriers to my success out in the world. And one of them is my gender and part of that is hatred from other women who accepted what the world told them of "You need to CHOOSE: One or the other. You cannot have both."
And whichever they chose, some of these women just HATE me for trying to have BOTH. And some of the resentful women who HATE me for trying to have both have been in positions of power and have negatively influenced my life, probably including some local women who were absolutely not "allies" of mine and Jessamyn West, the very first paid employee and former lead moderator of Metafilter who pretty much seems to have single-handedly shaped Metafilter into the cesspit it is -- or was when I was there.
On the upside, last I heard, she "retired" and no longer officially works there (though she was still doing the podcast with Josh last I heard) and Josh Millard, who took over when the founder left, was already walking back some of her very broken policies even before I parted ways with them. Maybe he will eventually turn it into something that doesn't completely suck.
By the time I exited stage right, it was at least no longer official mod policy to actively encourage membership to BULLY specific individuals. When I first joined, they would tell one individual "Shut up and stop posting" if there was a pile on where a lot of other people were replying to that person and then LET other people continue to attack that person afterwards.
If you replied to those attacks, you were the bad guy because they had told you to shut up. The result was that some members -- including me -- were targetted by awful people on a regular basis and those awful people got away with it because the mods let them and even ACTIVELY encouraged it.
I think Jessamyn always had it in for me personally for various reasons and likely the dynamic I am writing about here is one of them.
Jessamyn West chose to have no children. When the US told her "Pick your left arm or your right arm to have lopped off -- decide whether you want to be a good mom or a human being with a brain and some vague semblance of a life." she chose the no kids route.
When the world gave me the same option, I went "Uuuuh. I would like to NOT have either arm lopped off, please and thank you. How can I get that?"
It's been tough going but I think overall, as much as my life sucks, it sucks less than that of a lot of women who accepted the idea that they needed to choose one or the other. And I think that's part of why so many feminists and "career women" hate me: Because rejecting having kids and being the little wifey failed to get them what they really wanted and they look at me and feel shafted rather than having sympathy for how hard my life genuinely is.
We shouldn't be demanding that women make that choice. We don't ask men to choose. We tell men "If you want to have a wife and kids, you need career success to pay for that."
There has got to be a better way here. Europe apparently sucks less than this on this topic from what I gather.