Years ago, there was an HGTV show called Mission: Organization. Every episode began with them separating the client's stuff into three piles: Keep, Trash and Sell/Donate.
Notice that two of those piles are really both "get rid of" piles by different names. There is only one Keep pile.
Of course, those piles weren't all equal sizes, so they weren't necessarily getting rid of two-thirds of their stuff. It was to some degree a mental trick for helping them ditch more without stressing about it.
There's sort of a similar process that happens when an unhealthy relationship ends. When two people split up, they tend to both feel like the relationship was the source of the majority of the problems in their life and they tend to conclude that this means it was all the other person being bad.
I don't think that's how that works. I think the real reason is there are three piles of problems in a relationship: Yours, Mine and Ours.
When the relationship ends, two of those piles of problems go away and only one stays. So if you assume they are all equal in size -- which they may not be -- then both people can genuinely find that two-thirds of their problems are gone simply because their bad relationship ended.
When the relationship ends, you will keep the Mine pile of issues and the Yours and Ours piles will magically go away. For most people, this means the Mine pile is the Keep pile, the Yours and Ours piles correspond to the Trash and Donate/Sell piles.
The Ours pile is a special pile that only magically exists while the relationship exists. It is made up of behaviors of each person that aren't, per se, problematic yet don't play well together.
I always think of this as being like mixing dish soap and household bleach. Either one is okay to use as a household cleaner on its own but if you combine them you get a potentially deadly toxic gas.
A relationship can be a good means to help you identify your own shortcomings and resolve them. But to successfully do so you need to figure out which problems are Yours, which are Mine and which are Ours.
If you actually want your life to work, instead of expecting to keep the problems that fall under Mine, those should be the things you try to identify and work on so you can ditch your personal shortcomings. But not all behaviors that are a problem within this relationship will actually be behaviors you need to try to ditch entirely.
Behaviors of yours that fall under the Ours pile are not inherently bad behaviors and you can keep those, though you will need to figure out when and how they go wrong and guard against getting involved in another relationship that turns them into an issue.
If you really want to sort your crap and stop feeling mystified by why your life is busted, these are useful distinction to try to make.
Notice that two of those piles are really both "get rid of" piles by different names. There is only one Keep pile.
Of course, those piles weren't all equal sizes, so they weren't necessarily getting rid of two-thirds of their stuff. It was to some degree a mental trick for helping them ditch more without stressing about it.
There's sort of a similar process that happens when an unhealthy relationship ends. When two people split up, they tend to both feel like the relationship was the source of the majority of the problems in their life and they tend to conclude that this means it was all the other person being bad.
I don't think that's how that works. I think the real reason is there are three piles of problems in a relationship: Yours, Mine and Ours.
When the relationship ends, two of those piles of problems go away and only one stays. So if you assume they are all equal in size -- which they may not be -- then both people can genuinely find that two-thirds of their problems are gone simply because their bad relationship ended.
When the relationship ends, you will keep the Mine pile of issues and the Yours and Ours piles will magically go away. For most people, this means the Mine pile is the Keep pile, the Yours and Ours piles correspond to the Trash and Donate/Sell piles.
The Ours pile is a special pile that only magically exists while the relationship exists. It is made up of behaviors of each person that aren't, per se, problematic yet don't play well together.
I always think of this as being like mixing dish soap and household bleach. Either one is okay to use as a household cleaner on its own but if you combine them you get a potentially deadly toxic gas.
A relationship can be a good means to help you identify your own shortcomings and resolve them. But to successfully do so you need to figure out which problems are Yours, which are Mine and which are Ours.
If you actually want your life to work, instead of expecting to keep the problems that fall under Mine, those should be the things you try to identify and work on so you can ditch your personal shortcomings. But not all behaviors that are a problem within this relationship will actually be behaviors you need to try to ditch entirely.
Behaviors of yours that fall under the Ours pile are not inherently bad behaviors and you can keep those, though you will need to figure out when and how they go wrong and guard against getting involved in another relationship that turns them into an issue.
If you really want to sort your crap and stop feeling mystified by why your life is busted, these are useful distinction to try to make.